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  • Writer's pictureSohani Gauniyal

SATIRE: Insurgent Group Vows to Defeat Chess Club

According to The Loveland Roar’s sources, a group of students have split off from Chess Club to form an insurgent group known as Checkers Club. Supposedly displeased with the single-game focus of their parent club, the group aims to serve as a “check” to Chess Club’s popularity, if not jump ahead of them outright.

Though many of the details around Checkers Club’s leadership and ideals remain shrouded in mystery, an equally mysterious spokesperson graciously provided us with a statement, claiming that they were “tired of being pawns of the Chess Club hegemony.” The fledgling organization hopes that their threat will force Chess Club into an “undesirable position,” and cause its leadership to panic and make a bad move. In response, Chess Club’s teacher sponsor Mr. Pohana asserted that the insurgents “will meet the same fate as Robespierre,” seemingly accepting Checkers Club’s declaration of war.

While the actual opening of Checkers Club remains ambiguous, opinions have already started to form amongst the student body; one student argued that Checkers Club will be victorious, due to the king from checkers having “way more power” than the king from chess, saying, “like, what could that guy even do in this situation? Move one space and immediately die? Checkers has the obvious advantage.”

Chess’ monotone color scheme has also come under scrutiny, with one student calling it “drab” and “uninspired.” As they put it, “...if I wanted to stare at a bunch of neutral tones for half an hour, I’d go shopping for furniture in Ikea.”

Others are instead in favor of Chess Club, citing the strategy aspect of its namesake game and its status as an unsolved game, unlike checkers. One chess supporter claimed that checkers “is for old people”, and that it shouldn’t spread past “the patio at Cracker Barrel.” Other arguments concerned the queen’s status as a “girlboss,” and checker’s disappointing lack thereof. Also criticized was checkers' anachronism of the feudal system: “I mean, in chess, you have the king, queen, knights, bishops, etcetera. In checkers, it's just kings and men. There’s no vassals, no accurate presence of the Church, no nothing,” said one student exiting their history class. “It's inaccurate, infuriating, and reflects badly on Checkers Club as a whole.”

Most, however, are undecided, with one student commenting, “this whole thing is definitely a daring gambit. It could very well end up being a blunder on their end, or it could be what finally causes Chess Club to slip up.” Others claim the situation is not as black-and-white as it seems, and suggest that a compromise could be reached between the two opposing forces. However, as it stands, neither Chess Club nor Checkers Club seem willing to give up any of the ground they’ve gained.

However, Checkers Club is seemingly utilizing some non-book tactics to gain an advantage. Sightings of students using the provided chess boards and pieces to play checkers have cropped up frequently within the last year, with loyal members of Chess Club considering it an act of espionage by Checkers Club, and some even calling it treason “against the king.”

The title of LHS’s best board game club remains en prise, with both sides scrambling to capture it for themselves. No matter which side you may be on, this is sure to make for an interesting exchange.

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