SATIRE: Loveland Solves Train Trestle Problem

After years of metallic carnage on Karl Brown Way in scenic downtown Loveland, the City of Loveland has announced that serious solutions will soon be implemented to prevent further destruction of unsuspecting vehicles. 

The Loveland train trestle as seen from Loveland Canoe and Kayak

Last week, the Loveland City Council voted 4-3 to pass the Stop Hitting the Loveland Train Trestle Resolution of 2025, which allocates more than $1,000 to prevent further incidents at the notorious bridge. The resolution noted that since 2020, more than 12,000 vehicles have collided with the structure, which allows trains passing through Loveland to cross the Little Miami River. If a vehicle hits the trestle and becomes wedged beneath it, both ways of through traffic on Karl Brown Way are often halted to make way for a police response and a tow truck. 

Although this can cause great inconvenience to Loveland residents, many believe that the problem is inflated and that the $1,000 appropriated to fix it is too much to spend on such a project. One anonymous Facebook poster writes, “I want to spend quality time with my children, and there’s no better place to do that than sitting in stopped traffic in downtown Loveland! Why should every Loveland taxpayer have to fork over $0.12 of their hard-earned money to improve this? Why is no one addressing these problems?” Another anonymous poster suggested that Loveland invest in a fleet of MQ-9 Reaper Drones to conduct airstrikes on tall vehicles before they reach the train trestle. However, this measure failed a February 2025 City Council vote 2-5 on the basis that hiring drone operators would be too logistically challenging.

Luckily, the Stop Hitting the Loveland Train Trestle Resolution of 2025 lays out numerous strategies to help solve Loveland’s collision problem. The first step involves painting the entire trestle bright yellow and affixing it with bright blinking lights, red reflectors, and a large orange sign that reads “ATTENTION: DO NOT HIT!” and is also covered in blinking lights. Additionally, the City of Loveland will hire residents to sit in folding chairs near the trestle with shiny “8 FEET 0 INCHES” signs and yell at anyone who dares tread too close in a U-Haul, work van, or pickup truck towing a large boat. The collision warning sirens have also been quadrupled in noise output, with unconfirmed reports that they are now audible from the Loveland High School parking lot. 

To better understand how the new measures will affect the situation in downtown Loveland, I spoke to John Maldriver, a Loveland resident who has crashed his Ford F950 XXLT into the train trestle five times since moving to the area in 2022. “It just sneaks up on you, like the frogman on a dark and stormy night,” he tells me. “I just get the feeling that I shouldn’t have to be responsible for paying attention to the road as a driver; the road should be working for me and not the other way around.” The Loveland Roar was unable to determine if Maldriver has or has ever had a valid driver’s license.

All considered, Loveland’s decisive action to help prevent future accidents at the train trestle will greatly benefit the community and is likely to save numerous commercial insurance companies from going bankrupt.