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  • Writer's pictureSamuel Crane

Loveland Declares Itself Ukraine to Receive Federal Financial Aid

Photo courtesy 365Cincinnati

With a new school levy on the ballot in Loveland coming in May, many are concerned about what would happen to the school’s fiscal situation if it fails to pass. Many concerns have been raised over classroom conditions, teacher salaries, and bussing in the district. One solution which was presented at a school board meeting has been officially approved by the City of Loveland. Starting on June 1st, 2023, Loveland will be renamed Ukraine in an effort to receive federal government aid. “We didn’t have much choice,” says superintendent Mike Broadwater. “Granny’s Garden looks like a scrapyard and we owe eHallpass $13K.” The report comes as the U.S. government has sent another $2B to the country of Ukraine.

President Biden has already put Ukraine, Ohio on the map in a recent press conference in which he addressed the city’s grievances. “Well, you know I knew a guy from Ohio back in 1952, he was a good guy from a town called Loveland but I can’t find that town on the map anymore, his name was Corn Pop.” Ukraine vows its government money towards useful initiatives such as building an eSports lounge and offering new classes such as Barista Science, Parking 101, and how to invest in FTX.

Despite receiving over $2B from the federal government, “Ukraine” still insists its levy must pass in order to reinstate laid off bus drivers. Loveland also is vowing to use its newfound money to build useful things like a 10-foot statue shaped like an arrow to let you know where to park. “It’s going to be a useful addition,” says Broadwater. “Lovela- I mean Ukraine wants our students to be able to park safely.”

Loveland’s mascot will be slightly adjusted from the “Loveland Tigers” to the “Ukraine Radiators.” This nickname has sparked some controversy due to its origination from the Chernobyl explosion which spread “radiation” around severely damaging and killing people across its encompassing area. The Ukraine Radiators are set to take on the Milford Eagles in early August in the Week 1 opener for high school football at Ukraine with its new equipment such as new pylons shaped like missiles and stands resembling a large tank. Ever since the name change, Ukraine High School has been receiving strange military equipment from the U.S. Department of Defense. “Yeah, we received an Abrams Tank the other day,” we decided to put it to good use and use it as stands so more students have room to watch the game.” However, shortly after its addition, the students started using the tank to shoot fellow students at the opposing team during the game. The Milford head coach weighed in, saying,, “Yeah, my safety is going out to defend a pass and a random man falls from the sky into my player.” Since the incident, Ukraine has removed the tank from the student section.

Ukraine, Ohio has slowly become a popular landmark for tourists from the U.S. and all over the world. The overall goal worked with billions more dollars flowing into this little midwestern town and it looks like it’s going to stay that way.

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